Doctor Feel Good (at least, until the heart attack)

In Interviews, Stories by Mark MaskerLeave a Comment

From celebrity gossip to midget blowfish porn, you can find anything on the Internet, including vindication. For years, I’ve practiced a strict health regimen of triple cheeseburgers, pizza, and boxed wine. I mean, the better something tastes the healthier it is, am I right? All those doctors with their fancy eight-year college degrees think they know better, but I’ve had eight years of university too. My degree is a BA in fine art, but that’s beside the point. What really matters, is that all of that high fat, high sugar, high salt crap I love is really healthy. Don’t believe me? Check out this cool doctor interview. It’s online so it must be true…and if not, happy belated April Fool’s Day!

Before there was Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, people relied on the world-famous Dr. Janman.

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken.. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO … Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me..

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

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Mark Masker

Managing Editor | Mark is a freelance journalist based out of Los Angeles. He’s our Do-It-Yourself specialist, and happily agrees to try pretty much every twisted project we come up with.

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