In the race to procure toilet paper like so many rabid Cornholios, some of us may have been a tad overzealous. That said, those who did may need a helpful guide to cooking with TP in the face of the coronavirus pandemic.
Calling on my college days of long desperation and short funds, I’ve cobbled together a little guide on doing just that…
Fresh vs Canned
This should be a no-brainer, but just so it’s said, toilet paper is best used fresh from the store.
Never, ever cook with canned TP. It has a much earthier flavor profile that few diners find palatable.
Methods
I don’t recommend grilling TP as even the toughest generic toilet paper is fragile in the face of open flame despite being a touch less rough than P12 macrogrit sandpaper.
You definitely need to go low and slow unless you want your dish to end up like this.
Toilet paper seems to work best as a foundation or a filler; like gluten or a starch. I recommend either chili con TP or mixed into a tamale stuffing; chowder is also an option.
Culinary Profiles
Quilted Northern: Ah, Quilted Northern, my old childhood friend. Just seeing it on the shelf evokes memories of grilled cheese sandwiches, Mac n’ Cheese, and tomato soup on a winter’s day. It’s best mixed into the comfort foods as a quilty pleasure.
Good luck seeing it on a shelf now, though.
Charmin: The foundation for charmin a la carte, Charmin’s creamy texture makes it a must for French cuisine. Note: Charmin is like a delicate flower and must be handled gently; DO NOT squeeze it.
Angel Soft: Some believe that Angel Soft two-ply is suitable for light cakes and meringues but this is not the case; you need the single-ply for that. Two-ply is best for pound cake.
Caprice Green Toilet Paper: This non-GMO organic offering packs a lime tone, making it an ideal condiment for avocado toast. It pairs well with a venti non-fat decaf soy latte.
Newman’s Own Hatch Chile 2-ply: It’s hard to find but this is my go-to for entertaining guests. It has great green chile flavor and a firm but nice heat on the back end.
Who knew all of that poverty from my 20s would come back en vogue? I never ate toilet paper but there were plenty of days where the thought may have crossed my mind…
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